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Sex Before Marriage? Abstinence works!

By campusfocus
Mon, 22 Dec 2008 | Print | E-Mail | PDF | Graphics Version
Sex/Relationships

Sexual compatibility excuse
If you haven't heard it already, you are bound to hear this one - “a couple must have sex before marriage to determine if they're sexually compatibile“. This statement is misleading and is a lie.

Waiting until marriage to have sex is the best way to enjoy life as God intended. There are good reasons behind God's instruction which improves relationship building and also safeguards our physical, mental and spiritual health. Avoiding sex before marriage is possible by seeking out the strength of Christ.

In Proverbs 5.15-17 from the Bible it says, '
You should be faithful to your wife, just as you take water from your own well. And don't be like a stream from which just any woman can have a drink. Save yourself for your wife and don't have sex with other women'.

Purity seems archaic; abstinence impossible. Why wait when everyone else is getting the goods now? It's just sex — the subject of nearly every movie and primetime show, even magazine ads. What's so special about it? In a sex-saturated culture, waiting till marriage seems outdated and prudish. Pleasure is the name of the game. But that's not the whole story. In addition to the risk of contracting STDs and AIDS or getting pregnant, premarital sex leads to emotional distress, distrust, regret and emptiness. That's because sex connects two people in body and spirit; it's impossible to separate the two. If you're planning to give away your virginity, or are hurting from past sexual experiences, read on for a different view of sex.

People are born from sex, people die from sex (STD's). If I get a powerful gift for Christmas, say a car, there are rules that keep me safe. I think it is the same with sexuality.

Risk Factors for Premarital Sex
by Focus on the Family
Teenagers who feel incomplete, inadequate and unappreciated are more likely to seek comfort in a sexual relationship. But those with a life rich in relationships, family traditions, activities, interests and — most of all — consistent love and affirmation are less likely to embark on a desperate search for fulfillment that could lead to unwise sexual decisions. Those who have a healthy, productive faith in God are more likely to have deeply rooted reasons to respect and preserve the gift of sex and to respect rather than exploit others.

Be aware of these specific risk factors for teen sex:

* Alcohol and drug use. Aside from reflecting problem attitudes (rebellion, poor self-concept, invulnerability) that make sex more likely, intoxication also clouds judgment and weakens resistance to sexual overtures.

* A steady boyfriend or girlfriend. Strong attachments and feelings of exclusivity invite nature to take its course, especially when physical expressions of affection begin early in the relationship. This is a particular risk in a situation where the boy is more than two or three years older than the girl is. If a teen romance appears to be getting hot and heavy and a lot of physical contact is already displayed, you will need to speak with both boy and girl diplomatically but candidly about the physical process they are setting in motion.

* Little parental monitoring. Leaving adolescents alone for hours at a time or not requiring accountability is a setup for sex.

* A parental belief that adolescent sex is appropriate. If you think premarital sex is okay, your adolescent will too and will act on that belief.

* A parental belief that adolescent sex is inevitable. Many parents who disapprove of teen sex have also concluded that it is as certain as death and taxes. Their approach to the subject will thus be double-edged: "Don't do it, but in case you do, use this condom." Adolescents will get the message loud and clear and are likely to act accordingly.

* Low grade-point average/low attachment to sch

* ool. While school performance is affected by a variety of factors, a basic desire to do well in school reflects a more hopeful outlook on the future and a willingness to put off immediate gratification for long-term goals. Teen sex, on the contrary, usually reflects ignorance of or little regard for consequences.

This doesn't mean, of course, that every scholar is a bulwark of morality or that all who are not academically oriented are destined to be promiscuous. What ultimately matters is a person's commitment to basic values such as responsibility, respect for self and others and concern about the effect of today's decisions on the future.

* A history of physical or sexual abuse . These acts against children and adolescents violate their bodies, minds and hearts. Sexual abuse creates a grossly distorted view of sexual behavior, destroys boundaries, and drives a deep sense of worthlessness into the emotions. Whether the abuse occurred in the distant or recent past, adolescents with this history need ongoing support, counseling and prayer to help them develop healthy attitudes about sex and about themselves.

* Frequent family relocations. Moving generally stresses both parents and adolescents (especially if the kids resent the decision). This can erode parental authority and distract parents from involvement with their children. Bonds to social supports such as church groups that help prevent sexual activity are severed by multiple moves. Loneliness and loss of friendships may lead some teenagers to use sexual activity to gain social acceptance. These issues should be considered by parents who are thinking about a possible relocation.

* Only one parent in the household. Parenting was meant to be a team effort, and some risks will naturally increase when one parent is left to do all the protecting and monitoring alone. Some studies do indicate that adolescents living with a single parent are more likely to become sexually active than those living with both parents. Work and household demands can prevent single parents from being as involved and attentive as they need and want to be. And the divorce and desertion that sometimes lead to a one-parent home can make teens uncertain about the value of marriage as the setting for sexual activity and about the role of sexuality in parental relationships.

This increased risk does not mean that adolescent sex is inevitable in single-parent families. But it does place an additional responsibility on single parents to send their teenagers clear and consistent messages about sexuality. And it is one more reason for single parents to enlist as much support as they can.

The New Virgins
by Kwame Baffo, Legon Hall
If you've ever watched TV, read a magazine or surfed the Net — and who hasn't? — it's easy to believe that the entire population has surrendered to their hormones. And while it's true that premarital sex remains the norm in society today, there is a new trend making its way across the land.

It's the New Virginity, and it's not just for teens anymore.

It began in the 1990s, as young people began to ask the question: "Why Wait?" Some decided to abstain from sex for religious reasons, others to avoid the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Still others realized they weren't ready for the intense intimacy of a sexual relationship.

Those same teenagers are adults now, and many of them are still waiting. And they've been joined in their quest for purity by a growing mass of adults who were once sexually active, but no more. It's a phenomenon known as "secondary virginity," and its practitioners have experienced sexual relationships and found them wanting. They're looking for love and respect — the kind that lasts a lifetime — and they're willing to wait for it, even if it means losing out on a potential mate who doesn't share their convictions.

These "born-again virgins" can't change the past, but they're committed to creating a better future. Contrary to pop-culture wisdom, those who do choose to save sex for marriage are not doomed to a second-class sex life. Rather, they typically report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and marital contentment. Moreover, early sexual experience has been linked to marital dissatisfaction, low self-esteem and greater incidence of divorce.

Indeed, why not wait?
Background Information
This is a 'relational' gift: ideally one woman and one man relate for life in all ways and not least at the sexual level. New humans are formed by a couple's relating and their relationship sustains and enriches the whole of their lives. The Bible is quite clear about aspects that need to be part of such a relationship and just as clear about what should not be included. Commitment, faithfulness and the general potential for children rank as high positives. Aggression, lust and promiscuousness are all strong negatives.

Abstinence from sex until marriage is key for building an intimate and long lasting relationship. It draws two people closer together emotionally and is a special time when each person can spend time getting to know one another. The desire to avoid sex before marriage encourages self control which ultimately demonstrates trust to a partner. In turn this trust allows vulnerability towards each other producing a fruitful and intimate relationship.

A relationship with a regular pattern of worldly lust draws attention away from a true and deep relationship because lust is selfish. A truly satisfying relationship is expressed where one is mindful of the other in selfless thought and action. Lust is harmful because it seeks objects of desire to please oneself first and often without regard to the consequences. Promiscuity is part of lust, that degrades trust because it lacks self control and tends to view sex and people more casually. Sex is a sacred and beautiful part of marriage, and shouldn't be seen as a casual act to satisfy superficial desires and insecurities.

Relational thoughts
Some thoughts for men
It can be difficult at times following sex abstinence. However there is a purpose in not having sex before marriage. The desire to avoid temptation produces discipline, strength, clear thought and most of all the character of love.

Women tend to focus on emotional needs where as men have more physical needs. However both genders obviously have desires that are emotional as well as physical. Finding ways apart from sex to relate to your partner will improve the relationship. Try using your time before marriage to learn how to please your partner emotionally without sexual activity.

A real man will look out for his partner's best interests. This includes protecting her heart from the harmful consequences of sex before marriage. A real man will not pressure his partner into sexual activity. Many women find it hard to say no, even when they prefer to wait until marriage.

Some thoughts for women
A woman may find it tempting to appeal to the physical temptations which a man experiences. A woman must not encourage a man to consider what she wouldn't otherwise; she needs to be aware of her actions. God looks out for our best interests and it his him we must trust before anyone else. Sexual activity in God's purpose finds its proper place in the context of two people sharing their entire lives, not just part of them.

Demonstrating that you want to avoid sex before marriage can earn trust from your partner. The more your partner can trust you the more likely he will feel comfortable getting close emotionally. If you want to be special and well respected then focus on supporting your partner in avoiding temptation.

Men are obviously attracted to a woman's beauty. This includes inner beauty which comes from the heart and its desires. Expressing beautiful character without sexual insinuation will contribute to bonding and a more stable relationship. A boyfriend who loves you for who you are on the inside is more likely to stick around than a guy who is solely focused on your appearance.

comments:
I was sorely tempted to drag out a podium and make short work of such a debate topic. Should people have sex before marriage? Absolutely not. Why? Because the Bible says ...

My school long essay supervisor would have been proud. Instead of relying only on a biblical mandate, I chose instead to look at both sides both logically and secularly. This is such an important topic for our day and age, and not just because of its potential volatility. It is a subject that should not be ignored and is further evidence that we have become an increasingly selfish people!

One opposing argument is that no one can tell me what to do, especially with my own body. It is an individual decision, mine and my partner's alone.

The missing part of that equation is that this choice to have sex before marriage involves another person as well as any future relationships you have, not to mention the baggage you carry from old ones. As easy as it may be to justify having sex before marriage, there are, what I hope the opposing side will realize, valid reasons for NOT doing it!

First, generally speaking, once you've done it, you are more likely to do it again. And with various partners. After all, not only is it fun, there is less to lose, right?

Another drawback is that placing sexual compatibility as a "prerequisite" of choosing a life partner is a shaky foundation at best. Believe me, after 26 years of marriage, I'm glad my husband and I have a deeper bond than what goes on in the bedroom.

Sex, in my opinion, is devalued when it becomes just another compatibility factor like finances or furniture. We have lost the idea that sexual intimacy is a precious and private act, not of selfishness but rather of selflessness, a giving of the most personal and intimate part of who I am as a person to the one I am willing to love for life. It is the ultimate gift, regretfully a gift I took for granted.

Maybe the problem isn't placing so little importance on sex but rather placing so little importance on marriage. Personally, I don't want society to continue on a path of moral relativism. That's what got us here in the first place.

Do you remember years ago when boys wanted to date the "bad" girls? Some of us "bad" girls were more discreet than others! Remember the ones they wanted to marry? It wasn't the girls who gave sexual favors. When the girl's grip on her boyfriend was failing, sex was used as a chain, especially if she had a pregnancy scare.

While that scenario may have changed in recent years, our behavior has not. Girls gave sex to get love and boys gave love to get sex.

"But I only have sex if I'm committed to the relationship." Okay. This is still another facet of my reasoning not to have sex before marriage. How many "exclusive" commitments have you had? I suppose if you can count them on one hand, you've done better than most.

I've heard much too often that couples start out committed, determine to be exclusive, have sex, buy a house, etc., and discovered they weren't completely compatible Whew! you say.

Thank God it wasn't too late! Huh? Too late? The marriage certificate may be missing but it is no less painful than divorce.

Before that train of thought takes me off on a tangent, I will grant that there are some couples who, in the realm of their relationship, are as committed or even more so than many of their married counterparts. Even statistics bear out the fact that there is little difference in the divorce rate of those who engaged in premarital sex and those who abstained until their wedding night. And I willingly admit that I truly loved almost every guy I had sex with. Marriage does not even guarantee freedom from sexually-transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies or permanent emotional scars.

And I know monogamy is possible even if a couple has sex before marriage. Even here, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

By far, my greatest aggravation is those cute little rationalizations defending sex before marriage. I'm sure you've heard them, maybe even used them:

"Everyone kicks the tires before they buy a car." My response? Do you really want your daughter to be one of the tires kicked in the backseat of some guy's car, passed over for a newer, more exciting model? Do you really want your son "shopping around"? I don't think anyone should feel they were worth "purchasing" until after the "test drive".

"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Why, indeed. The question on the other side of this particular coin is, "Why won't he marry me?" We don't like the answer to that one.

Physiologically, women are geared to be united with their sexual partner. The problem of sex before marriage certainly lends itself to the risk of multiple partners. Even the most casual observer cannot fail to see how this complicates not only physical but emotional and psychological bonding for a woman. Each break up rips the fabric of the union and the tear is never without jagged, rough edges. Face it, break ups are much less painful if there has been no sex because there is less to regret and less tattering of the heart.

Let's say the couple is committed to marry, the date has been set, the cake ordered. Is there still a problem if you have sex before the ceremony?

I think so. For most women, consummating the marriage declares her completely his; heart, mind and body. And he is hers. Call me old-fashioned (please!), but why go through all the expense of a wedding and reserving the "honeymoon suite" if your wedding night is no different from most of your pre-wedding nights? You have a party and celebrate but the best, most private celebration between you (and, by extension, everyone else either of you have had sex with!), as newly married couple giving each other the ultimate gift of themselves winds up being anticlimactic (no pun intended!).

When you're considering marriage, physical intimacy is just as important as concepts like family, religion, finances, and living arrangements. In general, people engage in sex for two different reasons: For most, it's a way to procreate. For others, it's simply a pleasurable activity. Pre-marital sex is not a necessity, but it is certainly a good option for partners who wish to become more intimate and comfortable with each other before officially tying the knot.

Many (if not all) religions have specific allowances and restrictions regarding sex and marriage. However, not every religious believer is covered. For instance, what if you want to get married, but not have children? Is there some "loophole" in your religious doctrine that will allow you to have sex, even before marriage, if the intended result is not procreation? Doubtful. What if you don't even want to get married, yet would still like to have a partner? If your religion forbids pre-marital sex, you're out of luck. How frustrating.

If you follow the Bible or any other recognized religious manuscript, by all means, live your life by those edicts. Certainly, the fear of Hell or the promise of Heaven (or any religion's version thereof) is a powerful motivator. However, if you don't happen to live by an organized religion and instead believe that marriage and religion are mutually exclusive, you have alternatives.

YELLOW LIGHT: CHECK FOR COMPATIBILITY
If marriage is on your future agenda, physical chemistry should not be ignored, especially when figuring out if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. This is not to say that you can't work on improving your initial chemistry, but why wait until after marriage to make that discovery?

Are "Tab A" and "Slot B" not playing nicely together? Do you encounter major differences of opinion on frequency, style, and level of experimentation? If so, you should tactfully and honestly discuss the discrepancies (with each other only, please), then gently work towards agreed-upon goals until you both reach a comfortable level. However, if you both decide that there's no hope, it's much easier to end the relationship before marriage.

Both partners should also discuss their emotional needs and desires, and decide as a unit what would benefit them the most. This may take some time as marriage (like any good partnership) usually involves a certain amount of sacrifice. (If that last word gives you the heebie-jeebies, you might want to seriously re-think your outlook, unless you plan on being a hermit.) Just try to be open-minded and patient. Cast out any pre-conceived notions about marriage and simply learn as you go. Communicate. If you truly care for the other person, you'll find the words.

RED LIGHT: KNOW PREGNANCY AND DISEASES
The difference between having some fun and having a kid is about as thin as a piece of rubber. Be careful! You can thoroughly enjoy some special time with your partner while technically abstaining - just use your imagination, or simply ask what he or she enjoys. If you absolutely must engage in "the act" and can't stand using any birth control, one or both partners should think about reproductive surgery.

Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) have been documented everywhere, but if you're smart, you can successfully avoid them and still enjoy a fulfilling sex life. Be completely honest with your current partner about previous experiences and partners. If either of you has concerns, go to a professional at an STD testing clinic and get yourself checked out. Educate yourself about STD prevention. These clinics not hard to find (an Internet search will get you about 1,400,000 results) and there's probably quite a few in or near your hometown. Your local college's health center is a good starting point.

GREEN LIGHT: FINISH THE PRELIMINARIES
Once you have a clean bill of health, freedom from religious or emotional limitations, knowledge of safety precautions, and knowledge of what each other wants, go for it. It's just another part of compatibility, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with safely exploring the physical aspect of your relationship before the ceremony, reception, and honeymoon.

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