It’s Not Enough To Be In Love With…

Boo, bae, honey, baby, and other sweet-sounding words are popular accolades that we use in referring to their loved ones especially when all is going in our favor. As a graduate of psychology and a future psychologist for that matter, the prevalence of mental disorders resulting from relationships going bad, is very alarming to me. I believe as a motivational speaker, that being just a bit more careful than you already are now, could help avert the many negative results that accompany separations from beloved ones. Indeed falling in love could be the most intriguing and fulfilling feeling ever in the life of mankind. It is often said by some people that love releases certain hormones which distort perception of reality.

Hence the popular adage; love is blind. However, tis life is so full of unfathomable complexities that I doubt if one can afford to be blind in other life endeavor. What I am trying to say here is that, if those who are watching with eyes wide open are stumbling and falling, what then can be said about one who is blind? I understand how much you love and want to share your entire life with him or her. But whatever the case be, never allow yourself to be blinded by love to the extent that youcannot see anything else apart from love. However, if you insist on going blind in love then at least choose myopia or any other vision defect aside total blindness. In short, you simply cannot afford to focus on love alone.

Many young people especially, young ladies overlook certain key issues when they make a love commitment to someone. But the truth is that, irrespective of how sweet your love is, your fabric of love is definitely going to fade away at least a bit in the future far ff. therefore the essence of this paper is to share with you, certain key elements that when fused properly with love, has the potential to give you a more fulfilling love-life than going by love alone.

• Does your partner believe in and respect your faith?

This presentation is not supposed to be a sermon outside of church because I am not a reverend minister. However, from a common sense point of view, I believe it is best if you chose a partner who respects your faith. How many days you are free to attend all nights(which may be your favorite church activity), how much you pay as tithe (for Christians) or Sadaka (for Muslims), your way of dressing, food, number of children, and even your attitude are all things that are hugely influenced by your religious faith. Therefore if you are not careful enough to choose somebody who is very comfortable with your faith, then we are going to run into countless number of issues which have the potential to separate the couple.

Mind you, I am not saying that you must necessarily attend the same church with your partner. But what I am trying to tell you is that, even if they would not attend your church, they are at least comfortable with where you are. The only exception to this rule is that you are perhaps willing to convert to your partner’s faith. Watch out if he often says positive or negative comments about your religious faith. How does he receive news whenever you inform him of a church or religious program, even if he would not attend? If he seems often negative about your religious endeavors, I assure you he is not comfortable and you better resolve that issue by deiscussing with him, switching your faith if its possible or in the worst case scenario; walk out of that relationship!

This might sound funny to you but believe you me, marriages are breaking because of this issue though it may appear petty. According to the American religious identification survey of 2001,people in mixed-religion marriages are three times more likely to separate or divorce than those who were in same religion marriages. Also, a study by the university of Illinois in the united states has shown that interfaith marriages have a slightly higher divorce rates than those of the same faith. Actually, the research report states that 33% of couples in different faith marriages suffer divorce. The purpose of this presentation is not to scare you, but to get you to take the best decision in relationship to avoid the unpleasant effects of divorce, considering its huge contribution to mental instability especially among female divorcees.

• Does he make ‘we’ or ‘I’ statements.

So you love him or her and you cant help fantasizing about the future where the both of you would live ‘happily ever after’. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself whther your partner has these same dreams as you do. Do they appear to factor you into their future plans as you do? Are they taking decisions which seek to in the long run, inure to the benefits of you both or they are always about their future plans and how they want to do this and do that? How often do they make ‘we’ statements as against ‘I’ statements? I understand that you probably have been seeing this person for the past five years. But have you ever considered this critical topic?

If not, then you really have to begin diverting your attention to this issue because people who do not poften consider you I their long term [plans are in my opinion, the worst people ever that you can ever make a commitment to. You see, the bane of most relationships is that, normally, one person wants the whole thing to end up in marriage. But unfortunately, the other partner does not regard this person as a potential life partner but rather, as a short term partner, since time lost is one commodity that is not renewable, you cannot afford to be with somebody who only talks about themselves without factoring you in as such a person most likely, has no space for you in their future. You do not want to be that lady who dated a man and was jilted after five years, six years or even more. It is for this reason that I am here to urge you to look out for this critical quality in your partner, lest you waste your time on a ‘wild goose chase’.

• How comfortable is the person around your family.

Well if you love your family as much as I do, then inevitably you cannot afford to be with somebody who adores you but cannot relate well with your family. He or she should extend the love they have for you to your family in order that when demands from home begin to set in, they would understand to a large extent. Family members especially in the nuclear, are not like friends that one can change if your partner is not cool with them. Rather this set of people who you call family can never be changed and therefore anybody around you should be able to not only contain them, but also to feel comfortable with them.

If the saying that ‘if you love me, love my dog’ is anything to go by, then your partner should be one that does not have a problem with your family. Most of the values you hold as an individual are inspired by your family of orientation. Therefore, if he loves all those positive attitudes about you, then he should love the root of these values as well. The danger about having a partner who does not like your family is that, your participation in family related activities is going to be limited since they are not likely to give you permission as often as possible. This is in turn, going to create a gap between you and your family, thereby placing a hindrance on your ability to call on them in times of distress (which are bound to happen over the course of your marriage).

• Are you growing as an individual

“A couple become united as one body”. I understand that you have been exposed to trhis way of thought so mu8ch since birth, that you actually have come to a point where you can literally do nothing without your partner. This is a good idea, as it helps the both of you to help shape each other and to do more things together in fulfilment of the saying that two heads are better than one. But you would be telling yourself a big lie if you actually believe that you really are one body. If it were so, then why do you both use different toothbrushes? Why do you both were different clothes? And why do you even have conflicting opinions on certain issues? This should tell you that even in a relationship or marriage you never cease to be an individual and therefore you must strive to achive perfection for yourself. Look beyond the lens of love and check whether your partner behaves in ways that help you grow up as an individual.

The person you are in love with must believe in your capabilities and be willing to help you develop yourself. How can this be achieved? If you are under-educated though you still would love to continue your schooling, then you should reconsider staying with your well-to-do boyfriend who insists the little education you have is enough because he has enough resources to cater for you. Mind you, you may be feeding on his achievements while you personally would not have any useful achievement to boast of. Better still, What if he or she unfortunately passes away? What if he or she suffers setbacks in business? These are just but a few reasons you need to build yourself as an individual so that you would be in a position to take charge of your life as well as have some personal achievements based on which you can inspire the younger generation (your children). Most importantly, it builds your esteem level and builds confidence in you (as a woman) because you can survive even if he pushes you away.

• How much value do they place on you

I understand that you probably love him or her. But you need to remember that there would be times when he or she would be required to make sacrificesx for your benefit. The point here is that, such crucial sacrifices can only be made when the person places value on you enough to find you worthy of it. Therefore if you happen to be involved with a partner who does not seem to place much value on you, then you probably should start thinking twice by now. Because you would be in a relationship and yet be very much on your own, since your partner may not find you worthy enough to go through hell in order to secure you a ticket to heaven.

In sum, love is a very critical foundation for a relationship to stand strong. But going strictly by love is like just putting gravels on a road without adding tar. In the end, the gravels will disperse from the road and the result would be aroad that is deplorable. Gravel is the main thing used in building roads. But it should be accompanied by tar to complement its purpose. The same analogy applies with relationships. Therefore do not just consider the gravel (love) but also make sure that the tar(other factors as shown above) are also in place. That way you are adding some spice to your relationship and I bet you would thank me later.