A Letter to My Future Wife: I won’t propose marriage to you

Dear Serwaa,

It's been long since I last wrote to you. I don't know whether you deliberately leak the letters I send you or your friends have a way of getting them without your consent. I am saying this because since I stopped writing to you, I have received social media messages from your friends indicating how they miss my letters.

This is strange, isn't it? Anyway, they claim they learn a lot from those letters and that builds their relationships, even though the content is not meant for them. It reminds me of an old Akan saying that, when an orphan is passing behind someone's house and hears parents advising their children, they must stop to eavesdrop. Yes, some people are in orphaned relationships as far as frankness and open talk are concerned.

I have said many times that the truth is bitter and sometimes more poisonous than the hemlock that killed Socrates. But it liberates and empowers when spoken. Sometimes it's too heavy to bear but it helps to solve many woes that will eventually haunt our relationship in the future. It hurts to hear the truth when it's not in one's favour, but it heals when swallowed. It is like bitter but potent pills. That is why I often endeavour to be real with you and tell you what I believe will not only set things straight but will shape the future of our lives together – our marriage.

Serwaa, today I want to tell you that I have thought carefully about the argument we had the other day about proposing marriage to you and I have come to a conclusion. My conclusion is that I won't propose marriage to you. I will never propose marriage to you, Serwaa. I won't. And this is my reason:

You and I entered into this relationship with the understanding that we were to be together forever. That was the agreement from the very beginning. And that has not changed. So why must I now be proposing something we have already agreed on from the beginning?

Serwaa, I don't know how this madness about marriage proposal has come to be the latest fad in town, but what I know is that I am not going to be part of it. After the Ghana Music Awards last year, I tried hard to ignore you when you kept singing about how romantic some men are. My ears had to endure the constant replay of how Elikem Kumordzie proposed to his Big Brother Africa housemate and lover, Pokello. The only time you stopped talking about it was when we fought over it.

Not only did you keep talking about the on-stage proposal by Elikem, which was later mocked by John Dumelo, but you also wanted to know when, where and how I would propose to you in such a romantic fashion.

“I will propose to you when I am enjoying the best feeling of my life,” I told you.

“And what is that feeling, Babe?” you wanted to know.

“When I have acute diarrhea and find myself on a neat water closet,” I told you.

I still remember how mad you got and how for weeks, I didn't see any smile on your face after the bitter quarrel which ensued after my words. I thought that would have settled the talk about marriage proposal, but you have resurrected the topic and you talk about it as if your whole life depended on it.

Serwaa, I love you and I am prepared to spend the rest of my life with you. But I won't propose marriage to you. If that is the condition I will have to satisfy before marrying you, then I am prepared to walk out of this relationship. Yes, you heard me.

If I were a lady and my boyfriend came to propose marriage to me after courting for years, I would slap him and walk away. Why was he with me all this while? We went beyond the boundaries of friendship when you proposed love to me. Do I look like a whore for you to come and mess up with me and decide marriage later?

Serwaa, I know I may not be making much sense as far as this topic is concerned. I know it because your position on this is more entrenched than the taproot of the baobab tree. But my reason is simple:

I entered into this relationship with the singular reason and understanding that we were going to get married. There was no any other reason. If for any reason we had broken up, that would have ended the relationship and our marriage plans. But since we are still together, the agreement still holds.

The other day, you said the reason why people propose marriage after courtship (or what we call relationship) is that not everyone enters into courtship with marriage in mind. Good reason, if you asked me.

But they are not our benchmark, Serwaa. Christians should not allow the worldly people to set the standards for us to follow. I can't understand why two grown ups will agree to be in a relationship and even get intimate without the intention of getting married. For some, however, it is normal. They get together, live together, and have sex like married couple without the intention of getting married. For such people, when at a point in time, the man decides to spend the rest of his life with that woman, he can decide to propose marriage. In this absurd situation, there is nothing wrong with proposing marriage.

But in our case, it is different. We came together with only one goal in mind. I would never have approached you if my intention was not to marry you. I made that decision before inviting you to the Aburi Botanical Gardens on Valentine's Day three years ago. It turned out to be one of the best days of my life, and I will remind you if you have forgotten how it went.

We entered the beautiful garden as friends, but I had a different agenda. Maybe, you sensed it too, but you were not too sure. We ate. We drank soft drinks and took a stroll through the garden, hand-in-hand. We talked about every subject under the sun, except the main reason for which I asked you out on the day of love.

I remember we were about to leave when I made the move. We were sitting under one of the trees near the thick shelter of scrubs, which serves as a walkthrough. The sun was going down and the chirping of nocturnal wood insects and the singing of birds turned the garden into a melody romantic music. There we sat, side-by-side. I could almost hear my heart pounding against my chest. I was in love.

“Serwaa, you know we have to go back to Accra now,” I said.

“Yes,” you agreed. “It's getting late.”

“But the light of the car on which we will depend to get back to Accra can only see about a hundred metres away,” I said.

“Yes,” you agreed. “But we have to have faith that the light will continue with us as we travel along.” You mentioned the word “faith” without knowing that it was exactly what I wanted to build on to drive home my point.

“Serwaa, I want us to take the step of faith together in life. I know it won't be easy, we have not known each other for that long but we can still take a step of faith together. I want to live the rest of my life with you.”

“Manasseh, I don't know what you will think of me. You know in Ghana, a lady would normally say, I am going to think about it before I give an answer. But I have nothing to think about.”

“So are you saying yes?” I wanted to be sure.

“Yes,” you confirmed what appeared to me like a dream.

Serwaa, the proposal and acceptance lasted less than three minutes. You didn't make me talk much. You sensed it during our friendship. You even fasted and prayed about it, as you would later tell me. And you didn't pretend like others would. You knew what you wanted and you went for it without hesitation. I admire you greatly for that. You don't do anything or behave anyhow because that is the norm. You are so real, which is rare among the artificial women of today.

It is for this reason that I also want to be real with you. I knew what I wanted from you. I wanted to settle down with you from day one. I wasn't in to treat you like drinkers of Dagaati pito behaved many years ago. They first tasted it and when they were satisfied with the quality, they sat down to drain calabash after calabash of the locally brewed gin made from the golden cereals of the savannah.

I didn't come to taste you and decide later. I came for good and it will be absurd to now tell you that I want to marry you. Besides, we have already started talking about our marriage plans so why should I propose marriage to you when you are so deeply involved in the preparation.

Know this, my sweetheart, Marriage is too serious a business to be reduced to theatrics. Marriage is a solemn and spiritual covenant of a sort and must be treated as such. It must be given the seriousness it deserves and not reduced to stage -managed performances just to prove that one is modern or so-called romantic. Let's pay attention to the serious issues that are fundamental to our marriage and not trivialities like these.

I won't propose marriage to you on any stage. I won't propose marriage to you at my birthday party or yours. I won't take you back to Aburi Garden to propose marriage to you. I won't propose marriage to you. That decision was made on the Valentine's Day three years ago when our hearts beat with pleasure to the rhythm of the music of nature. So I won't propose to you again, Serwaa.

What I can assure you is that I will be a real husband to you. I will love and cherish you. I will respect and adore you as a precious gem God brought my way. I will do everything I can, with the help of God, to see to it that you achieve your dreams and aspirations. I will not cheat on you. I won't lift a hand at you. I won't hurt you with words. I will love you the way I love myself and prove you that true love still exists. This is my definition of romance, and not anything absurd just to fit in.

Serwaa, I cherish you so much and will be real with you. I won't do anything against the principles of our relationship just to satisfy the ungodly and irrational fad in town. I will marry you, but I won't propose marriage to you again. I will forever be real with you.

On this reality shall we build our marriage, and the gates of divorce shall not prevail against it.

The writer, Manasseh Azure Awuni, is a Senior Broadcast Journalist with Joy 99.7FM. His email address is [email protected].