To: African Men in the Diaspora
By African Goddess
Men Issues | Tue, 28 Jul 2009
Men Issues | Tue, 28 Jul 2009
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From: African Women in the Diaspora
Re: Several Issues We Wish to Discuss!
Just this once, please allow me to put aside trying to be proper and worrying about correct tenses and punctuations. I want to talk to you in a language we can both understand without punctuations and grammar/spell check getting in the way and slowing me down. My African sisters and I came together and decided it is time to get some things off our chests! Most of the naturally light skinned ones said they did not care and did not want to get involved because they had no problem. But, we know they are lying, for most of them are also still single too.
The younger sister of Mansa's friend got married last weekend in Ghana and she is only 25 years-old. This got Mansa feeling nervous because a lot of us, similarly attractive, well educated sisters in the Diaspora have not yet been as lucky and we are pushing 35! Now we won't admit this, but we are all so uneasy. We think if we don't come to our senses and ask some serious questions, we will all die old and alone with our big degrees, luxury cars, and flashy homes! So, we wanted to come to you, our men in the Diaspora, and find out what is going on. We want to know why many of you have abandoned us for other women, and why you watch us slowly fade into oblivion. One day, we will all have vanished leaving behind no trace of our existence. We are slowly becoming an endangered species, and we want to know why.
White men don't want us because we do not meet the standard “beauty” definition. Black men run away from us because they say we are too educated and opinionated and unsubmissive. European men would rather date and marry one of their own. Don't even get me started on Asian men; they won't even look us in the eye because they have no respect for us. They think all we're about is to come into their hair supply stores every week to get a different brand and length of weave and fading creams. But what are we to do? We can't please everyone. We can't be ourselves; and when we try to be someone else too we are labeled insecure?!
Amma run into this sister of ours from Kenya the other day and she looked weird. Her face was as light as butter cream but her neck said her face used to be a darker color. All this so one of her own would find her attractive.
Then there's this our Nigerian sister who tries too hard to look … well, even we are confused about what she is trying to do with her hair. Today it's long and wavy. Tomorrow, different story. Cecilia said she almost didn't even recognize her.
Don't even get me started on my Ghanaian sisters for I know them too well and I don't want to be the one to snitch and embarrass anyone. Let's just keep this between you and me (whisper). “Her eyes are really dark brown and not hazel like you think. And when she and I talk, she does not sound so proper and prim. Her accent is as heavy as yours. She's just faking it to impress you.”
My Ivorian sister confided in me the other day that you wanted to put your sacred member where things should only come out of. When she protested, you threw her aside and said you were going to Michelle's house because Michelle doesn't mind where you put, what you yourself apparently have named, “torture rod.” Of course Michelle will let you do whatever with … em … what's his name … “torture rod?” because she has no respect for herself, or her body. To her, it is a playground for any man who wants to play hide and go seek! You used to respect us, what happened?
When we were all back in our various African countries, you told us you would die for us! You jumped our father's high walls decorated with sharp-edged broken bottles and barb wire, and even the hedged fences, to profess your undying love. You would not stop calling even after daddy gyata (lion) yelled at you and threatened to shoot you in places we need not mention if you ever called “his” phone again.
Some of you bought us fake plastic flowers which we gladly accepted because we did not know we could have the real thing. I remember the teddy bear Kwame gave me for Valentine's Day. I named him Kwame Snuggly because he looked just like Kwame and was so snuggly, and I know he had to really scrape and save to buy it for me. Even though he is now one-eyed, I still love and cherish him and snuggle him every night in memory of what we once had, and the sacrifices you were willing to make to ensure I was happy. Of course, then all you knew was that I was beautiful and worthy. I was your African queen. Now you are asking me “why have dark chocolate when there are all these different flavors?” What a cruel, cruel world.
We want to be ourselves and still be accepted! If you won't accept us for bettering ourselves, who else will? Obviously no one! And many of us are suffering in silence because when we talk you allow your non-African wives to jump on us and call us names.
See, mummy told us if we were good girls and learned how to cook and clean, that we would find good African men to marry us. This is why even when some of us were hitting the books hard and burning the midnight oil to compete with you guys in secondary school and the university, we still found time to enter the smoldering kitchen to learn how to chop onions, cut our fingers, have our fingers burned by flaming charcoal, and even learn how to cook your favorite yam and egusi stew. And let's face it, we did have to work twice harder than you because after a long day in school we still had to go home and cook while you all got to release your stress on the football field and/or study whenever you wanted.
Funmi says her mother used to tell her that knowing too much book will not get her a good man to marry and boy was she right!
When we were up at 4:30 am sweeping the large compound, you all were snoring away. So what, that we had two house girls at home? Mummy was not having her girls not know how to clean their husband's compound and bring shame to her name. She taught us well and we appreciate it even if not for your benefit, but for our own benefit.
Personally, I hate egusi stew but I figured what if my husband likes it and I don't know how to cook it, then what? So I learned how to cook it anyway. All for you ooh, all for you! Now I hear that you are choosing other women who can't even cook over us because of love. What's love got to do with it? This no be love matter oh, this be the “principle of the matter” matter!
Leave love to the others! We want love too. They already have many many choices of men who will snatch them as soon as you drop them, but like I stated earlier, you are all we have because other men don't find us attractive! They don't want us! Even with the hazel eyes, long weaves and light faces, other men know real blond when they see one. They can easily separate the fake ones from the real ones from across a room.
Even as we learned how to make egusi stew and yam, we also learned how to be educated, classy ladies. Many of us have single-handedly worked two jobs to put ourselves through the university so that we can have smart conversations with you and not embarrass you in front of company. We can talk just as good as the other women and we know that champagne goes in the glasses with the long stems and wine in the glasses they call wine goblets. We also know how to drink wine and eat cheese at these uppity functions even though what we would rather have is some waakye (rice and beans) with spicy shito and cow/goat leg stew. You know…the one that makes your nose tingle and the hairs on the back of your head feel prickly? Ahaa, you remember!
My cousin Emmanuel says as for him, he likes akata girls because they will let him do anything to them. But, that is not fair, because it was him, this same person, who was standing there nodding his head when Auntie Cecilia and Grandma Agnes were telling me that “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.” If he knew that was not true, he should have said something. He says I'm his favorite cousin, so, you can see why I'm feeling betrayed. I have all these cooking skills and no man to show for it because apparently the way to a man's heart is through some place else? Aaaba!
Okay, so now that the damage has already been done, now is not the time to point fingers and all that other stuff. Now is the time to right the wrongs. So, what is it that you guys see in the other woman that has caused you to abandon us? What is it they have that we don't have? Please tell us for we are listening. And we do not want to hear about all this “falling in love” nonsense for we want love too and are very capable of loving you in return. What makes you think we also don't like to hike and vacation in Venice? Continued
Source: African Goddess
Re: Several Issues We Wish to Discuss!
Just this once, please allow me to put aside trying to be proper and worrying about correct tenses and punctuations. I want to talk to you in a language we can both understand without punctuations and grammar/spell check getting in the way and slowing me down. My African sisters and I came together and decided it is time to get some things off our chests! Most of the naturally light skinned ones said they did not care and did not want to get involved because they had no problem. But, we know they are lying, for most of them are also still single too.
The younger sister of Mansa's friend got married last weekend in Ghana and she is only 25 years-old. This got Mansa feeling nervous because a lot of us, similarly attractive, well educated sisters in the Diaspora have not yet been as lucky and we are pushing 35! Now we won't admit this, but we are all so uneasy. We think if we don't come to our senses and ask some serious questions, we will all die old and alone with our big degrees, luxury cars, and flashy homes! So, we wanted to come to you, our men in the Diaspora, and find out what is going on. We want to know why many of you have abandoned us for other women, and why you watch us slowly fade into oblivion. One day, we will all have vanished leaving behind no trace of our existence. We are slowly becoming an endangered species, and we want to know why.
White men don't want us because we do not meet the standard “beauty” definition. Black men run away from us because they say we are too educated and opinionated and unsubmissive. European men would rather date and marry one of their own. Don't even get me started on Asian men; they won't even look us in the eye because they have no respect for us. They think all we're about is to come into their hair supply stores every week to get a different brand and length of weave and fading creams. But what are we to do? We can't please everyone. We can't be ourselves; and when we try to be someone else too we are labeled insecure?!
Amma run into this sister of ours from Kenya the other day and she looked weird. Her face was as light as butter cream but her neck said her face used to be a darker color. All this so one of her own would find her attractive.
Then there's this our Nigerian sister who tries too hard to look … well, even we are confused about what she is trying to do with her hair. Today it's long and wavy. Tomorrow, different story. Cecilia said she almost didn't even recognize her.
Don't even get me started on my Ghanaian sisters for I know them too well and I don't want to be the one to snitch and embarrass anyone. Let's just keep this between you and me (whisper). “Her eyes are really dark brown and not hazel like you think. And when she and I talk, she does not sound so proper and prim. Her accent is as heavy as yours. She's just faking it to impress you.”
My Ivorian sister confided in me the other day that you wanted to put your sacred member where things should only come out of. When she protested, you threw her aside and said you were going to Michelle's house because Michelle doesn't mind where you put, what you yourself apparently have named, “torture rod.” Of course Michelle will let you do whatever with … em … what's his name … “torture rod?” because she has no respect for herself, or her body. To her, it is a playground for any man who wants to play hide and go seek! You used to respect us, what happened?
When we were all back in our various African countries, you told us you would die for us! You jumped our father's high walls decorated with sharp-edged broken bottles and barb wire, and even the hedged fences, to profess your undying love. You would not stop calling even after daddy gyata (lion) yelled at you and threatened to shoot you in places we need not mention if you ever called “his” phone again.
Some of you bought us fake plastic flowers which we gladly accepted because we did not know we could have the real thing. I remember the teddy bear Kwame gave me for Valentine's Day. I named him Kwame Snuggly because he looked just like Kwame and was so snuggly, and I know he had to really scrape and save to buy it for me. Even though he is now one-eyed, I still love and cherish him and snuggle him every night in memory of what we once had, and the sacrifices you were willing to make to ensure I was happy. Of course, then all you knew was that I was beautiful and worthy. I was your African queen. Now you are asking me “why have dark chocolate when there are all these different flavors?” What a cruel, cruel world.
We want to be ourselves and still be accepted! If you won't accept us for bettering ourselves, who else will? Obviously no one! And many of us are suffering in silence because when we talk you allow your non-African wives to jump on us and call us names.
See, mummy told us if we were good girls and learned how to cook and clean, that we would find good African men to marry us. This is why even when some of us were hitting the books hard and burning the midnight oil to compete with you guys in secondary school and the university, we still found time to enter the smoldering kitchen to learn how to chop onions, cut our fingers, have our fingers burned by flaming charcoal, and even learn how to cook your favorite yam and egusi stew. And let's face it, we did have to work twice harder than you because after a long day in school we still had to go home and cook while you all got to release your stress on the football field and/or study whenever you wanted.
Funmi says her mother used to tell her that knowing too much book will not get her a good man to marry and boy was she right!
When we were up at 4:30 am sweeping the large compound, you all were snoring away. So what, that we had two house girls at home? Mummy was not having her girls not know how to clean their husband's compound and bring shame to her name. She taught us well and we appreciate it even if not for your benefit, but for our own benefit.
Personally, I hate egusi stew but I figured what if my husband likes it and I don't know how to cook it, then what? So I learned how to cook it anyway. All for you ooh, all for you! Now I hear that you are choosing other women who can't even cook over us because of love. What's love got to do with it? This no be love matter oh, this be the “principle of the matter” matter!
Leave love to the others! We want love too. They already have many many choices of men who will snatch them as soon as you drop them, but like I stated earlier, you are all we have because other men don't find us attractive! They don't want us! Even with the hazel eyes, long weaves and light faces, other men know real blond when they see one. They can easily separate the fake ones from the real ones from across a room.
Even as we learned how to make egusi stew and yam, we also learned how to be educated, classy ladies. Many of us have single-handedly worked two jobs to put ourselves through the university so that we can have smart conversations with you and not embarrass you in front of company. We can talk just as good as the other women and we know that champagne goes in the glasses with the long stems and wine in the glasses they call wine goblets. We also know how to drink wine and eat cheese at these uppity functions even though what we would rather have is some waakye (rice and beans) with spicy shito and cow/goat leg stew. You know…the one that makes your nose tingle and the hairs on the back of your head feel prickly? Ahaa, you remember!
My cousin Emmanuel says as for him, he likes akata girls because they will let him do anything to them. But, that is not fair, because it was him, this same person, who was standing there nodding his head when Auntie Cecilia and Grandma Agnes were telling me that “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.” If he knew that was not true, he should have said something. He says I'm his favorite cousin, so, you can see why I'm feeling betrayed. I have all these cooking skills and no man to show for it because apparently the way to a man's heart is through some place else? Aaaba!
Okay, so now that the damage has already been done, now is not the time to point fingers and all that other stuff. Now is the time to right the wrongs. So, what is it that you guys see in the other woman that has caused you to abandon us? What is it they have that we don't have? Please tell us for we are listening. And we do not want to hear about all this “falling in love” nonsense for we want love too and are very capable of loving you in return. What makes you think we also don't like to hike and vacation in Venice? Continued
Comments To This Article
5 readers have commented so far on this story. And below this page is a sample of the latest comments published. Or you can also click view all to read all comments that readers have sent in.
To African Men In Diaspora
Ebenezer | Memphis-USA (United States) | 7/29/2009 12:17:00 PM
I know Amma was not talking about majority of us men here in the diaspora. Perhaps just a few experiences she and other ladies may have encountered. The truth of the matter is that we can't find you, my sweet african ladies both dark and fair. We even have to go to the extreme to travel back home looking for the real african lady that we yearn for.
Perhaps, you ladies need to make yourself known for us to see and know you because we want you
U don't avail youself enough
Kofi K | NJ-U.s.a (United States) | 7/29/2009 7:07:00 PM
i think the problem is how you make youself available. It's hard to find you single african ladies. You go to african programme n you ask african lady for a dance n she refuses what else can we do. The good african guyz truly want good african queens. You have to more flexible with the guyz and you shall find the right kind of guy, not just any guy.
I hope you read this
Kay | Toronto-CANADA (Canada) | 7/31/2009 3:56:00 PM
I truly feel your concern and sympathize with you and all the beautiful African women in the diaspora. There are lot of questions to be asked before we even try to understand the situation. The whole been educated and stuff as a weapon against men coming to you to me is bull because to my understanding, all men would love to have an educated wife just for the sake of etiquette and mannerisms! The issue here to me is priorities. The Bible even says " what profits a man if he gains the whole world and looses his soul"? the same questions goes for both men and women. what profits us if we get all the degrees, cars, money,wealth and properties but have no one to share it with? its harder for the women because of the inequalities that have existed between men and women. Not to condone it but it is a fact and will persist so far as we live till the day it ceases to exist. You'll have to understand that the well being of women in the diaspora, relationship wise, will not be fully achieved until or unless, you the women, realize and prioritize killing birds with one one. Meaning, you'll have to work in maintaining your educational and personal needs in addition to keeping your relationship right from the start. As a teenagers, we all fantasize how our weddings, wives and husbands should be like so its not like we don't know. Right from then, you start working towards that the same way you work towards been the lawyer, nurse, chef,doctor etc. It is doable as you're able to juggle things around and do it best even in those juggling times. My notion have always been, watching women, i think the world will be a better place if we were led by women. As one scholar puts it, DR. Musisi" traditional feminism, which has always been practised by our moms and granny's are like the human body, where the men are the head and the women are the necks. The secret to it is, the neck controls the head so regardless of what direction the head wanna go, the neck controls the movements of it. In a nutshell, women in the diaspora should know their position. Their position without any prejudices and pre judgements. Their position that should be decided mutually between you the woman and your man. One reason why i know men in the diaspora wouldn't come for you is just one thing. REPUTATION REPUTATION REPUTATION, CHARACTER, CHARACTER, CHARACTER. The thing is, even though its not fair, nothing in this world is fair so it stands but we live in a very small community in the diaspora. so sleeping with all these guys, whether casually, or u were in a relationship or what not, men in the diaspora, because of their traditional up bringing that forbades a man to even go near a woman who's not a virgin for marriage, will obviously ignore you or not marry you knowing that he knows men you've slept with. Not to think of the number of them he knows.. So once those prejudices set in, it blocks all the other connection that could possibly exist. I'll continue later because of time factor but if you're serious about this hit mer at nerd722@yahoo.com thank you!!!
