Why people who’ve been single for a long time are better in relationships

With so many relationships failing, you might be wondering why on earth you should quit the single life. Although I haven't got access to any numbers, experience tells me that a relationship has about a 20% chance of succeeding at best.

I've seen my friends date and break-up more times than I care to remember. And then there are the marriages that end in messy divorces.

The truth is that relationships are sometimeshard. Quite frankly, they're too hard for some people and eventually the man and woman go their separate ways. Even when two people seem destined for one another, there always seems to be something that breaks them up. Perhaps the “timing” was all wrong, or one of them decided they wanted kids while the other didn't.

There are many reasons why relationships don't work out, but one of the biggest is that sometimes we just aren't ready for one. Too many of us throw ourselves into the dating scene without being mentally prepared. We go through dates quickly in a sort of trial and error process so that we can find Mr Right as soon as possible.

But this is just making everything worse because we're not even sure about what we want.

To enjoy a lasting, successful and ultimately fruitful relationship you need to be ready, and you also need to know yourself. When you've been single for a long time, you've had the opportunity to learn about who you are and what you need and want from a relationship. This already gives you a distinct advantage over people who haven't yet found themselves, but who still jump from doomed relationship to doomed relationship.

Here, then, are a few reasons why people who've been single for a long time are better in a relationship:

You know yourself 
When you've been single for quite some time, you've had a good chance to learn more about who you are.

When we don't know who we are, we spend a lot of time wearing masks around other people. When we hang out with large groups, we invariably get influenced by the opinions of others. We aren't always so sure of our values and ethics. We try hard to fit in and lose any sense of identity.

Of course, many of us change over time, but change is not the same as progressing. For example, you could change by taking a step backwards as opposed to a step forwards . And when we do this, we're regressing into youth again.

The problem with not knowing yourself worsens when you get into a relationship because not only do you know know the type of guy you're looking for, you also don't know what you want from a relationship. As such, you might date many duds who alter and shape your personality even more, distancing yourself further from who you really are.

It's only when we take some time out to assess who we are and what we want that we are able to know what we want from our partner and any future relationship. We know what's important to us, and what values we want to see in other people.

It's not easy, of course, but spending time by yourself is a great way to lose old habits, grow new ones and discover your passions and true calling in life.

You are okay with being alone 
Lots of us want someone. We don't want to be “left on the shelf.” We want someone to share things with. Nobody wants to be alone forever. It isn't nice.

With that said, it's important that you're okay and even happy when you're alone. Your happiness can't depend on someone else. You might get some of your happiness from someone else, but it's unfair to rely on them for all of your happiness.

Moreover, it's damaging to yourself and your personal aspirations, dreams, ambitions and so on. We can't let others define our happiness in life. If we did, we would find it really difficult to succeed at anything.

When you spend a lot of time being single, you get a chance to learn how to live with yourself, and be happy with yourself. You realise that you don't need to rely on other people for your own personal happiness. You can go to the cinema by yourself, travel by yourself – and still have an awesome time.

Being happy with yourself and who you are is more important than anything else. If you can't love yourself unless someone is with you, you will struggle to maintain a lasting relationship.

You don’t treat a relationship like a short term-fix 

I used to have a friend who seemed to always be in rebound relationships. I asked her why she kept getting together with guys so quickly after leaving a relationship.

“Because I hate being alone,” she said.
So I asked her why she kept breaking up with these guys.

“Just because.”
It struck me that she was just using relationships to mask her problems. But her relationships were just short-term fixes. Once she told a guy it was over, she was left facing the same old issues again.

Instead of facing up to them, she escaped from them by meeting someone else.

She clearly wasn't happy. Eventually, I convinced her that she had to face up to her issues because they weren't going to go away until she worked through them. The continuous cycle of meeting guys and breaking up with them was making her even more unhappy.

She wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. She had things going on in her life that had to be dealt with first.

So, she removed herself from the dating world and spent two years being single, in which she focused on herself and her problems. Happily, she resolved them all. She became emotionally and mentally stronger, and was thus in a better position to meet a great guy who she was able to have a lasting relationship with. She's still with him today, I'm thankful to say.

And this is what people who've been single for a long time can boast about: They are emotionally and mentally strong and are ready to meet someone they want to spend the rest of their life with.

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