MEN OF GOD AND DIVORCE

BY Praise Fowowe
Naturally, I am not one to speak on matters like this because even though I am called to the family life industry, I try to mind my business. But events of the past 2 years have proven that I can no longer be quiet about this matter because we can't fold our arms and watch the marital institution become a mockery.

A friend buzzed me to share a burden on the need for us to pray for our men of God because the devil is attacking their marriages. I was a bit taken aback because while I agree that every bad thing that happens is made possible by the devil, he can't also operate without human connection. How can the devil slap you without entering someone whose hand is available to do the slapping?

That brings me to the issue of divorce. Our soft-sell magazines are awash with stories of pastors in their 3rd and 4th marriages and all sorts happening. And someone called me to ask why we are experiencing this. I will attempt to answer his question because many reasons could be attributed to it:

1. A man of God is not God, he is a man:  Unfortunately, we treat our men of God as if they are spirits who don't live in a human body. What do we expect when we saddle them with our numerous issues. Unfortunately, many are not wise enough to say No to church members whose lives will continue if they drop dead. Church members have academic problems, they go to a pastor; they have financial problems, they go to the pastor; they have marital problems, they go to a pastor as if the man is built to solve every problem and in our quest to prove that we are superstars, we also fail to embrace the use of professionals who are trained in these areas because of our hidden fear of losing respect. What stops a man of God who knows his marriage is in danger to take a back seat and allow a church member whose marriage is a model take the message on a Sunday that marriage is meant to be discussed? You are not built to solve every problem. As a matter of fact, you are like an entrepreneur coordinating the various factors of production. You must understand that there are many MOGs in the congregation who are not answering to any title. What task would you give Bill Gates if he were your church member or you would go ahead to preach on social media when you have Mark Zuckerbeg in your church? It is only God that is omniscience; we are not and must not try to pretend that we are or allow people make us one.

2. Anointing doesn't give immunity to divorce:  The same way anointing doesn't give immunity to sexual sins, it doesn't also give immunity to divorce. It takes more than anointing to make a marriage work. I have seen the people we refer to as unbelievers build a fantastic marriage while I have also seen loads of tongue-talking believers make a shipwreck of theirs. The most important ingredient required to build a winning marriage isn't prayers; it is knowledge and if you don't have it, you can't pray it in. I tell people that your anointing won't stop you from sleeping with church members if you have sex problems. As a matter of fact, you don't have to have sex problems. If you position yourself around babes consistently in the name of 'My daughter in the Lord' and you don't draw a critical line, it's only a matter of time. My story is everywhere on how I was a sex addict in church after being born again yet leading praise worship and leading people to Christ until I became real with myself and went to get help. What you don't have, you don't have it and you can't also fake it to make it. Every counselor needs a counselor and every pastor needs a pastor who may not necessarily be a title carrying person because the problem with us in this part of the world is that we assume a laity isn't anointed as long as he doesn't pastor a large church. There are so many people that God has endowed with the wisdom to solve most of the problems many pastors are going through. Daniel was a politician; Nehemiah was the head of a brewery. In Aso Rock, how many men of God would listen to such a fellow? If you are beating your wife, don't pretend you don't have anger problem, you need to get help from a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

3. There is no relationship without communication/relaxation:  So many men of God don't communicate with their spouses. You can't expect an abandoned flower to thrive and blossom without your attention. I honestly think many of us saddle our wives with church work that they are not prepared for. I don't believe that because a man is a pastor necessarily means his wife must be a Pastor Mrs(my opinion). God's callings and gifting aren't by marriage. Many of us need to spend more time with our spouses. I can't understand the calling that makes a man of God remain in Nigeria while he sends his wife to Germany to pastor the branch of the church over there. Excuse me, you are a human being who needs emotional attention. Unfortunately, that is a reality in many ministries. I need to say that you are a man of God on the pulpit, but at home you are a lover and a father to your children. So you might learn to drop the Bible and Christianity on the altar so that you can communicate with your wife and your children in human language. Even Jesus spoke with his mother and his disciples and even the crowd in a language they will understand. I was invited to a meeting years ago and I asked the ministers there the last time they had a dance with their spouses? I was shocked that most of them admitted that it was during their wedding. What tells us that God would be angry if you attend Salsa lessons with your wife as a pastor or you think that would reduce the anointing or make you lose respect? Relationship needs communication to thrive and you must learn your spouse's communication clues, love languages and even personality traits. I think many women's social lives are dead simply because they married a man who is a pastor and they are being forced to live a life that is not theirs. Unfortunately, it is only a matter of time because you can't hide who you are for too long.

4. Isolation isn't spirituality:  Jesus never isolated himself. As a matter of fact, he was found in everyday places like our present day shopping malls and movie houses. I see a lot of young pastors who have aged faster than they should be because of isolation. Something tells us that we need to isolate ourselves to receive a word for a people who are being 'pastored' only during the service because many of them are really being influenced more by their favorite musician than their pastor. Don't allow church members turn you into who you are not because if you don't hang out with your babe, they would spread your story when your marriage breaks down. When was the last time you met your pastor in a bus, a mall, a restaurant or a cinema? As a matter of fact, when was the last time he was stuck in traffic and you saw him? If you have answered No, then most likely your pastor is a spirit. I am aware that we have some top MOGs who could be embarrassed by going to such places, but we created that system in the first place. If a man wants to live in isolation, he should please not get married so that we can save the body of Christ all this embarrassment.

5. Wisdom is in the city square:  If a man of God is inadequate on a particular subject, it is not shameful to get help. As a matter of fact, it is humility to look for help from people that have studied that particular subject. Age or longevity in ministry isn't the same as wisdom. There could be something to learn from someone we have categorized as a sinner. So, when I hear someone make statements like there is nothing an unbeliever can teach me, I often want to ask who taught him how to speak English or understand Mathematics. God has created us to be interdependent, that is why I would submit myself to the wisdom of my doctor who is trained to understand the human body as well as my financial consultant who is trained to understand financial intelligence as well as my marital mentor (who is not even a pastor) because he has ran a successful home for 50 years. As a matter of fact, he doesn't have to have spent 50 years, if he has got the wisdom for marriage, it is only sane for me to humble myself.

I think the key word here is humility because most of the reasons we are giving for divorce are selfish reasons which may not really hold any water for the discerning and many of the divorce cases are preventable provided we have submitted ourselves to knowledge. Only the truth sets a man free and that truth doesn't necessarily have to come from the pulpit. It could be in a book or from someone who isn't even a man of God. That people come every Sunday to worship and God has placed us as their pastors hasn't made us an island of knowledge because there is a lot to learn from those people as well. If a successful career counselor is a member of your church and has submitted himself to your leadership, I think it is also wise to submit the career decisions of your church members or even your own to his wisdom because he could have been a bishop in his field if it were a church.

I believe we need to pray against this wind of marital divorce, but I think the problem is deeper than prayers. My honest opinion is the need for us to change our approach from church expansion to kingdom expansion and by that, I mean our ability to control the airwaves and what comes out of Nollywood and Hollywood as well as get involved in politics so that we can formulate policies. That way, we would embrace the use of professionals and the super star pressure would have been off a lot of pastors so that they can spend quality time with their spouses and do normal things that a normal human being should do without members wondering if the man is still spiritual. You saw what you liked when you married your babe and proposed to her, which she accepted. So, you need to spend time grooming her as well lest the serpent starts talking to her. Whatever God has joined together, let no congregation put asunder.