How to talk to children about [sibling] jealousy

When kids see a new person come into their life and take attention away from them, it can incite jealousy.

Overview
Jealousy is an emotional reaction experienced by humans of all ages. But the younger we are, the less we are able to deal with these emotions in rational ways. Many children experience jealousy in a number of ways, but none may be as profoundly disruptive as the jealousy they experience when a new sibling enters the home. Many children deal with jealousy by seeking attention through negative methods or by assigning blame to a person or object. The best way to deal with jealousy in children is with an open discussion about their jealous feelings.

Step 1
Ask your child to identify the things that upset him. Use simple terms that your child has likely used to classify their emotions--use "angry" in place of "jealous." Don't be condescending or critical of their emotions--seek a better understanding of why they are upset.

Step 2
Do not admonish your child for feeling jealous. According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, author of The Common Book of Baby and Child Care, this is a normal emotion that a parent should not expect their child to put on a shelf and ignore. The issue is not with the jealousy itself but how your child handles these feelings. Help your child verbalize their emotions. Dr. Spock recommends verbalizing these feelings for your child to demonstrate how jealousy should be handled--in the event of sibling jealousy, saying something to the effect of "I know you are angry right now, but being mean to the baby or hurting him won't help you feel better."

Step 3
Empower an older child with feelings of responsibility. Explain that babies require a lot of work and attention, and that older siblings have to watch out for their younger siblings and be helpful. Explain that their siblings will grow up to admire them and want to be like them.

Step 4
Offer words of love and encouragement. The jealousy children feel often corresponds to their perception of lost attention and/or love from their parents. When they see a new person come into their life and take attention away from them, it can incite jealousy. Reminding your child that you still love them and that you are able to love all your children the same amount can offer reassurance and ease your child's jealously.

Step 5
Find time to be with each child one-on-one. This special time together will reinforce your love and help them cope with a new sibling and adjust to the new situation. Being reminded that you love them and want to spend time with them will help your child deal with jealous feelings.